New Day Rising.

It's the name of the greatest album by the greatest band of all time, Hüsker Dü. It was released in 1985 on SST Records. It contains some of the most powerful and moving music I have ever heard. It is raw and visceral, throbbing with manic and depressed energy. It is harmony and dissonance, love and hate, pain and joy. It is every shade of grey. It aggravates. It pacifies. It is pop that is trying to tear itself apart, a gyroscope increasingly out of balance, knowing damn well the center will not hold forever, maybe not much longer at all.



But it's more than that to me. It is a credo, a lifeline, a desperate hope. A reminder that even in the darkest, most painful, most uncertain nights of my soul, the sun will come up again, and I will get another chance to get it right. Even when it seems like too much damage has already been done.

It's easy to say. It's even easy to remember. But knowledge is not the same as belief. When I attempt to examine why I am the way I am, my lack of faith in myself or anyone is a big part of my struggle to confront and conquer the fear that keeps me from being the person I want to be, and live the life I want to live.

Fear is a corrupting influence. It turns freedom to bondage. Self-truth to self-abuse. It's a cold, wet blanket over my soul. Dark, distorted lenses to keep me from seeing clearly.

But I know, I believe it is not all-powerful. I know I have weapons against it at my disposal, but to this point, I've been afraid to use them. Afraid to take a stand. Every new day has given me the opportunity to fight my fear, and so far I have been a weak opponent. That must change. The more new days I waste, the fewer I have in front of me. And I know that if I don't start making progress, there will be even fewer than that. One thing I know for sure is I don't want to be remembered as a man who let his fear defeat him. Whatever legacy I leave behind to whomever, it can't be that. It just can't.

To seize the new day, to grab my own reigns and steer myself in the right direction, that is the only goal I have. And I don't have to do it alone. Someone I love is just as lost and just as scared and just as screwed up, but I have to believe in her. For us to have a chance, we have to believe in each other, give the best and the worst of ourselves to each other, to fight the fear together. I need so desperately to believe this is possible, despite the fact that we haven't accomplished it yet. I've been waiting her to give me something to believe in, but that is the wrong way. You can't wander around lost in the dark and hope someone comes along to show you the way. You have to make the way. There's no secret formula, no magic shortcut.

I know the truth, but I will never be who I want to be until I truly learn to believe. To have faith. In myself, in the people I love, in the universe to provide the tools I need. To believe that with the proper adjustment, that gyroscope can spin forever. To believe that there is a path between where I am and where I need to be. To believe I can find it. That we can find it together. That we can replace the dark with light.

That there is a new day rising, and we can rise with it, and leave harmony where we found dissonance.

I have to believe.