I'm having one of those days in which I'm seamlessly shifting between anger and depression but I don't feel very strongly about either one. The knowledge that I'm only feeling like shit because I want to feel like shit is no comfort. It only makes me feel shittier.

I've got a song stuck in my head. It was written by this guy:

Some words from this song go like this:

"I am dreaming of a life and I am dreaming of waking up
there's this anger rising cancer in me standing like a wall between
the waking world I seek and this infected plane of sleep"

The guy is Blake Schwarzenbach. The song is "Morning New Disease". The band is Jets to Brazil. The song the guy wrote for the band is on an album called "Orange Rhyming Dictionary", and it looks like this:

Blake is an inspiration to lit nerds who want to be professional musicians and musicians who want to be professional lit nerds. I'm not going to give you a bio, you can find that yourself if you're interested. I'll just say M. Schwarzenbach has had a great influence on me as a musician and a songwriter, perhaps second only to Bob Mould.

My life is dominated by two things right now, a relationship and a band. I'm really irritated with both of them. Usually it's one or the other and I'm fine, but when it's both, there isn't much that will make me happy. Even when the Vikings win a game they're not expected to, as they did yesterday.

The problem with being angry/depressed, as I am now, is it gives me an almost compulsive need to turn off my brain. I do that with drugs and alcohol. Give me a bong and a six pack and a moderately entertaining video game and I will watch the hours disappear, thinking about nothing the entire time. Sounds pretty awesome, you say? It is, except when it causes me to neglect things I actually need to think about and/or do, which it almost always does. Another thing this does is cause me to spend money on beer/drugs/food, which I cannot really afford to do right now. But, it's better than brooding, I guess, and I usually feel better the next day, but without even attempting to come up with a solution to any of the problems that made me feel shitty in the first place. I recognize the fact that this is not healthy, but it's who I am.

It's looking like this is going to be one of those "few and far between" kinda blogs. That's ok. I don't really expect anyone to read it but me, so I feel no outside pressure to be more prolific.

This past Sunday, my personal savior, AKA Adrian Peterson, AKA Purple Jesus, set a new NFL record for rushing yards in a game with 296, in only his 8th career game. For those of you who don't follow football, trust me... that's a lot of fucking yards. And the Vikings won, which was even more surprising. The path of a Vikings fan is a difficult one to tread, with all the constant disappointment and whatnot. But Purple Jesus gives me real hope that the Vikings will win a superbowl in my (or anyone's) lifetime. Now all we need is a not-quite-as-shitty quarterback and a not-quite-as-shitty coach (preferably one who does not look like a bald Dale Earnhardt). Below is a picture of Purple Jesus, in mid-shred of the Chargers' defense.


In other news, things are kinda weird. Well, perhaps it's not things that are weird, but that I feel weird about some normal things. Actually, that's not right either. The thing is, change is coming, and I'm scared shitless by it. For the last three years, I have lived in the same house, which has never happened in my life before. I have enjoyed an unprecedented stretch of stability that is going to come to an end soon. Not only will I need to move before too long, but my whole life might change radically. It's what I've wanted ever since the first time I picked up a guitar, but the leap of faith required is also unprecedented for me. And it all comes down to money. It always does. If I make this leap, am I going to have enough money to pay for the things I have to pay for every month? And what about health insurance? I have sure needed it this year, but I'm facing the prospect of rolling the dice on my health as I have done before. It's scary. And it's coming.