I'm having one of those days in which I'm seamlessly shifting between anger and depression but I don't feel very strongly about either one. The knowledge that I'm only feeling like shit because I want to feel like shit is no comfort. It only makes me feel shittier.

I've got a song stuck in my head. It was written by this guy:

Some words from this song go like this:

"I am dreaming of a life and I am dreaming of waking up
there's this anger rising cancer in me standing like a wall between
the waking world I seek and this infected plane of sleep"

The guy is Blake Schwarzenbach. The song is "Morning New Disease". The band is Jets to Brazil. The song the guy wrote for the band is on an album called "Orange Rhyming Dictionary", and it looks like this:

Blake is an inspiration to lit nerds who want to be professional musicians and musicians who want to be professional lit nerds. I'm not going to give you a bio, you can find that yourself if you're interested. I'll just say M. Schwarzenbach has had a great influence on me as a musician and a songwriter, perhaps second only to Bob Mould.

My life is dominated by two things right now, a relationship and a band. I'm really irritated with both of them. Usually it's one or the other and I'm fine, but when it's both, there isn't much that will make me happy. Even when the Vikings win a game they're not expected to, as they did yesterday.

The problem with being angry/depressed, as I am now, is it gives me an almost compulsive need to turn off my brain. I do that with drugs and alcohol. Give me a bong and a six pack and a moderately entertaining video game and I will watch the hours disappear, thinking about nothing the entire time. Sounds pretty awesome, you say? It is, except when it causes me to neglect things I actually need to think about and/or do, which it almost always does. Another thing this does is cause me to spend money on beer/drugs/food, which I cannot really afford to do right now. But, it's better than brooding, I guess, and I usually feel better the next day, but without even attempting to come up with a solution to any of the problems that made me feel shitty in the first place. I recognize the fact that this is not healthy, but it's who I am.